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Questions behind academic marks and children’s success

Questions behind academic marks and children’s success

“Intelligence is not measured by the ability to score high marks in studies, but to score high marks in life.” ~ Bryan

Final exams in school are done, we are on a short break before children begin the next academic year and I have to brace myself for the soon to be declared results. Now here’s an honest confession – one area of parenting that I have difficulty accepting myself with is that of my children’s academic performance.

A mom’s challenge

As a struggling single mother, I have asked myself hopelessly –

Am I a successful mom only if my kids shine academically?

Are my expectations of their academic excellence valid just cos I was a good student?

Am I a failure if they refuse my help in studies even though I can add value?

Is being self-driven innate or can be instilled?

Do all children have to be academically inclined?

I think to myself – it is painful to see them under perform when you know they have better potential to unleash. How can I inspire?

Parental Pressure 

Every year we read stories on student suicides, of not been able to live up to their own expectations and that of their elders. Of breaking down and giving up. Often children are put on a guilt trip to do well for parents so they can proudly announce to the society. Are we conditioning them to study for us? They are not our trophies to be displayed for our pride, are they? Shouldn’t it be more about them taking an onus for their life?

I am not in favour of putting undue pressure of marks, as a child I know how burdened it felt to study that way. Yes, I do wish to see them do their best in academics. But I want them do it for themselves and not just for me. To emphasise that they bear the consequences of their efforts.

On a different level, I know they went through a lot of pain seeing their parents divorce. It may have affected their confidence and performance. The fact that they have faced it all with maturity and unflinching love in their hearts is in itself a huge achievement. To see them deal with everything consequential only fills me with great pride. Their good or bad marks can never alter my unconditional love for them.

Questioning our academic system

Top ranking students get most attention in school and praise in society. Marks are used to judge the capability of a student. It creates some sort of divide amongst the students unfortunately. Not all children are academically brilliant and may have other talents in extra-curricular activities.

I am glad that both my children have excelled in district level sports championships, been a part of their school teams and also won laurels in dance and singing competitions. But that does not bear much significance at the end of the day when only marks are given value in our education system. Why do their non-academic talents seem trivial if children do not score good marks?

“Success in life does not necessarily originate with academic success.” -Robert Sternberg

We do realise that marks are not necessarily the only measure of their intelligence. Academic success does not equate to a child’s success in life. That her being a topper does not essentially guarantee a fulfilling career. Or a happy life ahead. Our obsession with marks is to be condemned. Even worse, our tendency to compare them with other kids.

Focusing on life skills

My older kid has scored far better in the last two academic years than she had earlier. I believe the key is to inspire them to be self-motivated and self-disciplined. To recognise their strengths and figure ways to hone them. Inculcating the habit of delayed gratification and learn time management. Building confidence needs to be emphasised over accumulating marks by rote learning.

“Preserving their self-esteem is far more important than preserving their mark-sheets!”

The true winner

As adults, we realise that what helps us sustain in life is how we apply our education. Failure is not poor marks but the inability to learn from our mistakes and move forward. True success is to know your purpose and live a life in tune with it. Nothing is as fulfilling than to find your passion and make a living out of it. At the end of the day, it is to remember that being a good human being far surpasses all material possessions and professional success one garners.

If my children grow up to be compassionate adults, respectful, peaceful at heart, leading a healthy fulfilling life, I would have succeeded as a mom.

Sharing a couple of impressive ads I saw lately for us parents to ponder on:

https://youtu.be/pTdXVmgC3us

 

How to help children feel comfortable in school after parents’ separation

How to help children feel comfortable in school after parents’ separation

help

“Together may we give our children roots to grow and wings to fly.” ~Unknown

When parents get separated or divorced, children either get to continue in their same school or inevitably have to move schools depending on the circumstances and logistics. Changing schools during separation ensues a different set of challenges, a situation that I did not have to face and hence do not have insights. This post examines the scenario of helping children feel comfortable in the same school post separation or divorce.

School is like a second home for children. So when there befalls a crisis situation at home, it becomes a place of refuge for many kids. Since they spend most of their daytime in school, it provides a safe environment of routine and familiarity.

Here are a few ways we can help children readjust and feel comfortable in their own school during separation or post divorce:

1. Teachers: Meet with the class teacher (and not all the individual subject teachers in the Indian schools) and inform her/him about your family situation. It would be worthwhile to even confide in your child’s favourite teacher, someone he/she looks up to and who is sensitive enough to empathise with. Discuss with the teacher about the emotions your child feels at home and to look out for possible behaviour changes he/she may exhibit in school. You don’t need to disclose all the details about your personal life. Just maintain the relevance in context to your child’s well being. Teachers usually contact parents only if an issue escalates in school. Maintain regular contact with the concerned teachers apart from the time spent during parent-teacher meetings. Work closely with them and heed to their advice.

2. School counsellor: School counsellors are qualified to address several emotional and mental issues children face at different ages. Most of the schools would either have a full time student guidance counsellor or have someone coming in part time. Some schools may not have either, in which case the school authorities will recommend counsellors outside of school. Confiding in a counsellor helps the child and the parent deal with the changes at home and the whole new set of feelings. I have been truly fortunate to have access to our full time school counsellor who is compassionate and easy to talk to. Just the thought of having her as someone my kids could talk to in school, someone looking out for trouble signs, was very reassuring to me. She continues to be a sound support in dealing with several issues that I now face with my teenagers in school. School counsellors provide an opportunity for children to discuss their feelings in a stable environment. Counselling in school or outside does go a long way in helping children build their own coping mechanisms.

3. What to say, how much to say: Children are often subjected to many difficult questions that can be painful to answer. ‘Why do you not live with your father?’, ‘Why did your parents divorce?’, ‘Which parent do you love more?’, ‘Do you miss your old home?’, “Is your mom a bad person?’…so on and so forth. People are and will always be curious to know more. This is a reality children coming from a divorced family have to deal with for life. It’s important to teach them that they need not answer difficult questions if it makes them uncomfortable. They need to know that it’s perfectly okay to say they do not want to talk about it. Alternatively, subtle answers can be suggested that do not divulge too many details. It’s equally important for adults to handle this with care, sensitivity and tact.

4. Official formalities: It is essential to update all school records with the new address, contact nos. and change in mother’s name (where relevant). If the bus route has changed, update that as well with the bus authorities and inform the concerned in-charge on the bus. It is extremely important to update the emergency contact numbers, especially that of the family doctor or physician. The school diary usually needs to be signed by both parents. If one parent is not available or refuses to sign, let the school authorities know the reason.

5. Visitation schedules: In many cases, children tend to spend their time between two homes after separation. The teacher needs to be informed of the custody and visitation arrangement. For there may arise situations where children forget to bring along school essentials or leave behind important documents, etc. at the other home. If the teacher is well aware, it would mean sparing the children from scolding or further embarrassment. It is also important for teachers to be aware of extremely hostile situations when the non-resident parent may get invasive or intruding in school. If the child is to be fetched by an adult after school, kindly arrange so with an appropriate identity card to ensure safety.

6. Activities: Some children shy away socially and may avoid extra activities, recourse to being in their own shell. They need to be encouraged to take part in as many activities as possible, fostering their development and confidence. Despite moving further away from school after divorce, the extra distance did not deter me to drive my kids early in the mornings to ensure they participate in school sports (It’s a proud feeling that they went on to be a part of their school teams at various levels). Normalcy and consistency in maintaining their routine is key to their wellbeing.

7. School events: When children of divorce know that both parents love them unconditionally, it does a world of good to them. While it is essential for the custodian parent (usually the mom) to be present for all the school events, the presence of the non-resident parent provides a morale boost to the child. If the situation is amicable between the parents, their equal involvement in the child’s life is healthy. But if the situation has been acrimonious and the parents do not communicate well, the child can be spared of seeing them together in school.

Children are usually quite adaptive and find ways to cope with the changes in school. With love, right guidance and support, they eventually figure out what best works for them. So do single parents!

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