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Being the Queen of our hearts!

Being the Queen of our hearts!

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“She is the kind of queen that knows her crown isn’t on her head but in her soul.” ~Adrian Michael

Last week, I had been contemplating on a few subjects for my next blogspot (this one). I started working on something but then simply couldn’t take my mind off the recent episode of ‘Koffee with Karan’ on television. Not that I’m a big fan of Karan Johar or his show nor am I crazy about Bollywood. But his last episode featured actor Kangana Ranaut, who made a strong mark with her spunky, fiery attitude. The ‘Queen’ of Bollywood impressed with her no qualms boldness in what she had to say and the forthright manner in which she said it all. Now Kangana may have an unconventional demeanor and is perhaps not everyone’s favourite. But on this show, she was so brutally honest and opinionated, the other guest Saif Ali Khan was literally on the edge of his seat.

I felt there were subtle messages in there (seems like a penchant for me these days) beneath her classy overtones and couldn’t resist writing this post. Here is what got me pondering, with the questions I posed to myself as also to you-

Our drive – Kangana reminds Karan that he had ridiculed her English and her accent on the same show few years ago. But those comments became a drive for her, pushing her ahead.

We can use criticism, mocking and rejection thrown at us as a driving force towards success – to unleash our mettle, though not necessarily to prove a point to others.

Poser: What or who is the driving force in our life?

The value of our values – Kangana refuses to endorse fairness creams. She has never cheated on her partner. She does not do shows simply for the lure of money. Her values bear far more significance than doing something that doesn’t feel right.

We all need to set our moral boundaries at every stage in life. More importantly, stick to them and beat any sort of peer pressure. 

Poser: How much do we value our value system?

Gender equality– When asked which of the Khans would she like to work with, she bluntly replied none. She wouldn’t’ be seen as an equal. This, when most of the Bollywood actresses today would do anything to bag a role opposite any of the Khan trio. Her exuding sophistication outshone even the suave Nawab on the same couch. She rightly pointed out that men think women have low IQ.

Why do we women have to share the limelight with men when we can be the limelight! We don’t need to shortchange ourselves, do we?

Poser: Are we living in someone else’s shadow?

True wealth – When asked whether she would rather be rich without love or poor but in love…she retorted saying her idea of poverty could be very different from his. Rightly said for his movies are always a superlative statement of luxury and brands. She added, artists have always chosen truth, beauty or values over money. If you have true love, you will have a rich life. Wow!

The concept of real wealth differs from people to people. What are we really here to gain? Fame? Success? Billions?

Poser: What are you seeking that would make you truly rich?

Honesty over diplomacy – Kangana admitted being jealous of others’ success. She was honest about not having friends in the industry. Her brazen opinions about Karan came forth uninhibited (‘flag-bearer of nepotism’ and ‘the snooty movie mafia’ being the highlights). She was candid about disliking certain habits of her co-stars and directors.

It is easy to indulge in backstabbing. But it requires conviction to blatantly speak the truth. And it takes courage to be unabashed on a global platform.

Poser: Are we righteous enough to say it like it is on the face?

Being genuine – Kangana said she didn’t want to fit in and tried to be as normal as she could in this superficial industry. And look how she stole the show with her candour, just by being herself.

Don’t we all want to lead a life that needs no mask or explanation, a life that resonates with our genuine core? Learning to build our own strong beliefs rather than conforming to those of others? Simply discovering who we are and be our authentic selves? What a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment that would bring!

Poser: Is our outer world in alignment with our inner world?

 

She came, she conquered and she won hearts like a true ‘Queen’!

Poser: Will others be able to say this for us?

Watch this royally candid episode right here:

http://www.hotstar.com/tv/koffee-with-karan/1525/saif-kangana-let-it-all-out/1000167379

Feature image courtesy: Pexels

Kangana Ranaut image courtesy: Star World

To everything new that enriches our lives

To everything new that enriches our lives

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sunset-2

“I can hardly wait for tomorrow, it means a new life for me each and every day.” ~Stanley Kunitz

Five years ago in the cold winter of December, I had joined an all women trekking trip (courtesy Women On Clouds – http://www.womenonclouds.com/) in Uttarakhand. A group of complete strangers, we had climbed together the Chandrashila summit at 13000 feet and seen one of the most spectacular sunsets ever (as seen in this image). This trip holds a special place in my heart, as it gifted me one new experience after the other, touching my heart in the most beautiful ways. At the end of that trip, I was a different person! It was then that I had made up my mind to do something new every year – build a life with enriched experiences and bring more meaning to my existence with deeper connections.

In the last few hours that remain of 2016 in my continent, I choose to look back and recall everything new that enhanced my life this year. I summarise:

NEW EXPERIENCES:

  1. Scuba diving –A desire to go scuba diving was long nursed, especially after watching Hrithik Roshan in ‘Zindagi milegi na dobaara’. It was simply fabulous to dive in the deep clear waters of Thailand, giving me a new high after I surfaced above the marine world. What a psychedelic existence there is down under! One beautiful adventure off my bucket list.
  1. My Blog – Maybe sometimes you have to live your story before being able to write your story. I’m glad I began ‘SoulMom’. Writing here is proving to be cathartic for me.
  1. 10 km. marathons – Though I have always been a fitness freak, running is something that never appealed to me. It seemed arduous and looked like an effort. Perhaps why I decided to venture, from a yearning to step out of my comfort zone. Ever since, it has turned out to be such a liberating experience. There I was struggling to run one km. at one go, and here I am having completed three 10k marathons this year. It truly feels like a huge feat – I have come a long way, literally.
  1. Santoor recital by Rahul Sharma – Music lifts our soul, but listening to Rahul Sharma playing the santoor goes a step further for me – my senses resonate to his tunes in some sort of spiritual harmony. Watching him perform live was such an ethereal experience. Another strong wish ticked off this year.
  1. Flying in the Airbus A380 – As kids, it was such a joy sitting in the red double-decker buses in Mumbai, quickly running up to the upper deck and grabbing the first seats in the front. I was curious to know what it feels like to fly in a double-decker airplane. Well, I did happen to fly in an Airbus A380 this year and marvelled at the engineering. But it did not come close to the gratification of the upper deck front seats of the bus.

NEW CONNECTIONS:

This year has been abuzz with Indian companies riding on the start-up wave and creating some of their own. What is even more heartening is to see the number of start-ups that have been founded by women. I happened to attend a few exciting events in 2016 and meet some of the most dynamic women in their workforces. Women who are making a difference in other women’s lives, who are passionate to turn their dreams into realities and who are hurdling umpteen challenges in their way. While I had the pleasure of interacting with several self-driven women who are making a mark in their own unique ways, I would like to make a special mention of a few who left a mark on me. I sincerely admire them for their indomitable spirit as well as humility. I feel quite challenged to describe them in only a few words, so I choose to just mention their names and links here:

Sairee Chahal, Founder-CEO, Sheroes: https://sheroes.in/about/

Aparna Vedapuri Singh, Founder and Editor, Women’s Web: http://www.womensweb.in/about-us/

Shaili Chopra, Founder, SheThePeopleTv: http://shethepeople.tv/shaili-chopra/

I feel lot of gratitude for all the ‘new’ in my life. What an inspiring 2016 it has been in an otherwise insipid year for me. I look forward to converting these inspirations into something more productive for me both professionally as well as personally.

The sun has set on 2016. Ring in the new 2017!

What divorced women would like to tell the society

What divorced women would like to tell the society

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society

“Those who have gone through divorce know the pain and special challenges of raising a child under such circumstances.” ~Mike Macgavick  

My divorce hit me hard, it sure did. It is after all a life-changing event in more ways than one can imagine. But what hit me harder was the way our society is conditioned to perceive divorce. People have strange ways of reacting and looking at divorcees, especially divorced women.

We divorced women have a lot on our plate, we can surely do without more stressors. As we deal with our situation and with our difficult feelings, these are some of the things we would like to tell people:

  1. We are not victims: Whether we have chosen to end our marriage or our spouse has, we do not want to be seen as victims. Life is not meant to be fair and everyone has their share of challenges. Just like any other relationship, a marriage too can end for several reasons. Do not stare at us with pitiful eyes or call us ‘poor her’. We do not ask for sympathy.
  1. Do not gossip: Divorce tends to become a topic of juicy gossip in our society, be it in private gatherings or social functions. Both husband and wife are analysed and people love to indulge in finding faults. Do recognise that divorce is agonising for the families concerned. We have too many perplexing emotions to deal with, we do not require any mud slinging. Kindly do not add more negative energy into the situation.
  1. Divorce is not a sign of weakness: On the contrary divorced women are strong enough to recognise that staying in a bad marriage can be hazardous – for us as well as our kids. We would have put up with a lot of trauma and suffering before our separation. It would probably have been the hardest choice to arrive at the inevitable decision. But going through the painful process of divorce and its aftermath only makes us more resilient than one can fathom.
  1. Do not judge us: The society tends to put the onus usually on the women to save a marriage. It is assumed that the wife has to work harder to adjust and make the husband and in-laws happy. Yes, marriages are sacred for us and we would have mightily strived to save it. We do not marry to get divorced especially when we have children. But do not think of men as a superior sex who can be excused for their misogyny. Shake out of the long imbibed patriarchal conditioning. Stop expecting us to bend over backwards all the time. Our husbands are not our Gods.

               You alone cannot save your marriage

  1. We don’t necessarily have to remarry: Marriage is not the be all and end all for a woman. Break free from old thinking that a woman cannot remain single forever. Or that she needs someone to support her. Whether we choose to date anyone or live in with someone or decide to remain single or even remarry, it is completely our choice. If we have male friends, do not jump to conclusions or malign our character. Our relationships are our choice and we do not seek outside advice.
  1. Spare our kids: Kids from a divorced family go through too much stress. Do not label them or make their parents’ divorce their identity. They don’t need to hear any insensitive chatter or blather from others. Nor do they need to hear any bad-mouthing of either of their parents. It is not their fault, they have absolutely no control over the situation. So please do not ask them anything that is difficult or embarrassing to answer.

              How children see their family

  1. We have our own identity: Our identity does not stem from being someone’s wife or daughter-in-law only. We are complete in our own ways. Just ‘cos we are single also does not make us easy prey for men to flirt with. We are okay to go out alone be it the movies or dining or shopping. We do not always need a shoulder to lean on. Being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely.

What we really need is for people to be sensitive. To understand and to give us our space and privacy. We need time to rediscover ourselves, renew our confidence and our self-esteem. What the society can do is to let us be and not decide for us. What we truly want is to heal from the trauma and build our lives back together.

 Image courtesy: Pexels

“She Let Go” – A Poem!

“She Let Go” – A Poem!

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letting-go1

After having shared my difficulties with letting go in the previous post, I chanced upon this very beautiful poem by Rev. Safire Rose and thought this would be a perfect sequel to ‘Letting Go can be very hard’. Serendipity anyone?

Over the years, I have struggled to let go of so many things – both tangible and non-tangible. It is an ongoing process of releasing all that I want to cling on to so very tight. Every time I let go of something painful to release, I feel a void within me. But the emptiness that follows brings with it a sense of freedom and lightness –such a precious feeling that is!

We do have the power to make a conscious choice of dropping the baggage behind and moving forward. Here’s to giving ourselves the gift of letting go:

“She Let Go” by Rev. Safire Rose

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely,
without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a
book on how to let go… She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyse whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Would you like to ‘Let Go’ of something today? Do mention in the comments to really let it go, take a deep breath and notice how you feel! 🙂

‘Letting Go’ can be very hard

‘Letting Go’ can be very hard

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cliff

jump

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” ~ Hermaan Hesse

What you see in these images is a small cliff and me jumping into the water. What you do not see here is what preceded this jump!

The adventurous side of me decided to do something I had never done before – cliff jumping in the cold waters of Rishikesh. With all enthusiasm I climbed up to the top of the cliff with friends who had done it earlier and swore by the fun. “Its an experience you must have!” they had said. It was only once I reached up and looked down at the water that all my gusto was taken over by nervousness. Was I insane – how could I possibly jump from this height! I wanted to turn back and go down the hill but it was too late. Scores of people had queued up behind me to take their turn, patiently waiting for me to jump in. And I simply couldn’t let go! I was scared and landed up creating a scene for about 10 minutes, when normally people take only seconds to jump in. Until finally I couldn’t do it on my own and had to ask the person behind me to push me!

But that’s me. I have always had difficulties in letting go or have a strong habit of holding on – whichever way you look at. How I treasure my precious collectibles for years – the books that I loved reading and revisiting; my innumerable photo albums, both in print and digital; cannot let go of my favourite outfits until they are shamefully tattered; holding on to the colourful stationery and art supplies from college days; saving those heartfelt letters and cards from childhood days. Speaking of which, it was hard to even let go of the cards from my ex, despite all the bitterness post divorce.

How then was I supposed to leave my marital home, whose every nook and corner I had tendered to (the Bollywood fan in me was reminded of the scene from the Hindi movie ‘Astitva’ when actress Tabu was hugging the floor of her home for the last time before she was leaving her husband). Familiarity brings comfort and I wanted to hold on to my comfort zone. The people associated with me in the neighbourhood – the librarian, the girls in the salon next door, and the smiling lady at the grocers. My favourite walking parks by the sea and the shops down the road that I frequented. My yoga class in the vicinity, my friends, and all that I was attached to.

How was I supposed to let go of everything that was built with so much love, dedication and trust in marriage. Of a bond whose foundation began with vows around the sacred fire. How could I let go of all those memories built over days and months and years!

Life surely has its ways that are sometimes beyond our comprehension. When it gets you to the point where its best to leave behind everything and move on, then you gotta let go. Even if it means being pushed into letting go!

“You alone cannot save your marriage!”

“You alone cannot save your marriage!”

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DSC04495

“Marriage is not a noun, it’s a verb; it isn’t something you get, its something you do; its the way you love your partner everyday.” ~Barbara De Angelis

Our well-meaning elders teach us Indian girls that marriage is sacred. We are taught right from the time we enter teens that no matter what you study and whether you pursue your career or not, it is important to marry a ‘right’ man at the ‘right’ age. The seeds of conditioning are planted early on that women have to adjust in a marriage in their new home with the husband, in-laws, extended family, friends, servants, all their whims and fancies. We grow up perceiving marriage as a be-all institution that is meant to be kept standing tall on our little shoulders. Its sanctity has to be preserved and the onus mainly lies on the female spouse. Thus becomes our mission to hold upright the nuptial vows in all sacrosanct.

But what happens when the fairy tale beginning meets a grim ending, and down comes the holy marital establishment?

The woman takes it upon herself to swim against the tide and bring along the family safely to the shore. She gives it all that she has in making the marriage work, even if it means bending backwards. Even if it means for her to lose certain amount of self-respect and face the brunt. Even though she is not at fault, she drowns in a pool of guilt and self-doubt. Surely there must be something wrong with her to land up in the dismal situation. She holds on to hope akin to holding on to a rock in the floods. After all, the years she has spent on building this edifice of love with her dedication and enthusiasm, she will not let it fall. Surely not when there are children born out of the wedlock. So she keeps giving and giving until she loses herself in the process and has nothing more left to give.

On recognising that my marriage was crumbling, I opted to seek professional help and started seeing a marriage counsellor – albeit, alone. After several hours of conversations and my relentless efforts of saving a dying marriage, it finally took the counsellor’s advice to bring things into perspective. Amidst one emotional session of sharing and pouring my heart out, she told me blatantly, “You alone cannot save your marriage!” That did it. The fog was lifted. The truth was out there in the open. Plain and as a matter-of-fact for me to see and absorb. I was the only one interested in making it work. My ex was not up for any form of communication to resolve our issues. There seemed no hope for reconciliation. He had drifted…that was the last straw…yes, it seemed to be over….

It takes two people to get married, but does it take one or both to get divorced…….?

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